Don't rush it... it's a blessing in disguise!

"we come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" I broke up with my boyfriend on 14 february 2011.. now is almost a month we got separated.

He dumped me because he said I'm undecided, ficker minded, confused as hell, and i never loved him. funny, i almost believe that last part on what he said... but hey i know myself too well to believe him.

and I cried coz he post me a song by tonic-if u could only see..the very next day he dumped me. dahla curang ade hati plak nk kate aku cmtu kan! mcm ape je... kureng asam btol.. oh terlupa nk ckp snanye, dy tu da ade pmpuan len, dy bg alasan aku confuse prasaan aku kat dy, n dy nk crk pmpuan yg tak confuse prasaan dy kat dy... n tu dy ckp aku tak pna cintakn dy.. laki ape yg gila tu? :'(

and the way he fucking dump me! coward gile~ tau tak cne dy dump aku? tau tak? (saiko plak) dy dump aku just by texting "im sory" then kat fb dy tukar status jadi single, n post aku lagu -usher-separated kat wall aku... sah gile,saiko... sume la... aku rase skt kpala otak aku ms tu, terlalu kejam... dahla pengecut, ske hati je kan, tingglkn aku cmtu, then beberapa hari tu, lepas aku pulngkn blk barang dy, lepas aku buat dek je ngan dy kat kolej, lepas dy nmpk aku blk sorang2 g stesen bas... semua, dy mintak nk jadi kawan blk, n i was like hell no~dkt kelas pn,(apela nasib satu kelas ngan ex kn..) aku cm asek gelak2,tunjuk yg aku happy... mase aku pulangkn blk brg2 dy bagi aku tu (mase tu dlm kelas,aku bg kat member dy soh pas kan kat dy) mase tu, mke dy geram gile aku rase best gile tgk dy marah mase tu, pahtu bile kelas habis, dy orang pertama yg kuar dgn menunjukkn sikap marah yg tak terhingga, g cm sepak kerusi cmtu... aku senyum je...dlm hati, tp aku tgk dy keluar, aku jeling... n membe aku cm nk tnye kat aku, tp lepas dy tgk mke aku jeling tu, dy tak jadi tnye... aku senyap je ar, pura2 tak nmpk dy nk tnye sesuatu kat aku. kat fb, aku block dy memule, pahtu tetibe aku unblock, kire cm aku delete je la dy, then pahtu dy add friend blk, aku tak approve, dy just mintak nk jadi kawan(gne msg kat fb), aku bls lagu paramore ignorance... sebbnye dy dkt kolej pn dy taknk tego aku gak, dy wat bodo je ngan aku, padahl mase tu, dy yg beria2 nk jadi kawan...aku seperti tak faham...so aku kan da biase buat2 tak knal orang, so aku buat tak tau je la ngan dy,

n mlm tu, kat fb, kan aku da reply video ignorance tu, then dy bls "meaning?" aku tak bls, mlm tu dy msg kate "so u tak nk kwn ngan i lagi la?" aku tak bls gak msg tu, then dy call tny bnd yg same, n aku ckp "tak nak" n dy ckp "fine!" n aku ckp "ok!"

n dy tak puas hati aku tak nk jadi kwn dy, dy g mesej kemarahan dy kat aku... dy kate dy benci aku, dy kate mase dy dump aku tu,dy ingat tu mistake terbesar dy pna wat, tp skng dy rase tu bnd terbetol yg dy pna wat, dy membabi buta marahkn aku. aku pn blur. aku just msg dy kate dy yg dumped aku mcm smpah, then expect aku nk kawan blk ngan dy, kat kolej, dy tak tego pn aku...semua la.. n we fought like ntah mcm da lame simpan bende tu. pahtu dy ckp slh dy dy curang, dy just nk jadi kwn aku,kalo aku tak nk,then dy tak nk tau pape psl aku, mase tu aku ckp kalo dy nk jadi kawan, tego kat kolej, kalo tak nk...then "u kno what to do" n dkt kolej dy tak tego aku.

dkt fb, ckp mcm, kalo aku nk jadi stranger, then dy cube gak la, even if it's gonna hurt. BULLSHIT. pahtu aku bls "u kn da kecewa ngan cinta i, watpe u nk kwn ngan i lagi? watpe u nk ade kawan yg selalu kecewakn u, u tak rugi ape pn tak kawan ngan i... skang u da ade gf, she can be everything u want her to be, u dont need me anymore, dah la jgn fikir psl i lagi, nanti u kurus, u slahkn i lagi..." pahtu dy bls cm satu msg yg sgt pnjg, n aku takde idea nk bls ape, aku just bls.."told u it's not gonna hurt~ goodbye" n then dy block aku... oh fyi, aku tak approve pn dy jadi kwn aku kat fb mase tu, tp kat fb kan bleh send msg walaupn tak jadi kawan...cmtu la...

lagu dlm pala otak aku mase tu; (the pretty reckless - just tonight) the only verse that kept on playing inside my head:

"n here I am, I can't seem to think straight... i'm too numb to feel right now,

n here i am, watching the clock that's ticking away my time, i'm too numb to feel right now..."

and there I was thinking he was "the only exception"

but now, I just believe in the second verse of that song

"maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts, we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face, and i've always live like this keeping a comfortable distance, up until now i had sworn to myself that i'm content with loneliness... because none of it was(i wanna change it to 'is') eva worth the risk for..."

here I am

not to say aku serik or anything, but i just think i need a little breakaway, and find myself again, loosen up a lil bit more, know what i really want, learn to live a little... laugh a lot... and aku nk berkawan dgn semua lelaki kat dunia ni, aku nk buat semua bende yg ex aku pna larang dulu, aku nk pakai jeans yg ex aku benci dlu, lip balm yg dy benci sgt aku pkai dulu, semua bende yg dy tak ske aku buat, pakai or whateva, aku nk buat! aku nk buat! aku nk tau apa yg aku btol2 nak, n aku takkn COMPROMISE MY DIGNITY EVA AGAIN.

sape dy nk kate aku CONFUSE! (myb i was a little, glad he found out)

ah whateva la....

2lagu yg aku rase membantu sgt aku ialah lagu green day - good riddance & jason mraz - remedy

"if u got the POISON, I got the REMEDY", "when I fall inlove, i'll take my time, there's no need to hurry when i'm making up my mind... "

so people, I don't wanna rush into another relationship, cuz i haven't fully recover and haven't fully learn my lessons just yet....!

I just need to relax a little bit MORE.

and learn to forgive and forget and forget and forget.

dont wanna rush alrite....

was I too complicated to understand?

what I wanted... was it too much to ask?

but i believe it's not me, it's him and i believe it's a blessing in disguise.